Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
Mature Content Filter is On
(Contains: strong language and ideologically sensitive material)
…. Opening my eyes, I see …nothing. A total, solid darkness engulfs me. Why can't I see? I saw alright yesterday, so why can't I see today?  I feel the starched sheets cool beneath my hands, smell the caustic disinfectant used to clean, hear whispers and footsteps. I sense movement beside me, the gentle swish of moving fabric, like a curtain being drawn. Then a gentle voice wafted into my ear "Sweetheart, it's alright, you're safe now. Can you remember what happened?" Mmm, what happened? Good question. I remember … noise, and heat, pain, panic, electronic shreiking, and a thunderous roar, then … nothing.


A cool and gentle touch on my hand, cautiously, as though afraid of hurting me. I try to turn my head toward the owner of the hand and voice, but a vicious, fiery pain flashes up over the side of my neck and head, making me gasp and flinch. "Don't try to move my love, you still have some nasty injuries, and may hurt yourself more. You're lucky as it is, if you'd been just six more inches further over, you'd have been killed outright. The building you were in caught fire, remember? The roof started to collapse. The main roof truss caught you a glancing blow to the side of your head, knocking you out. You've a concussion, a broken arm, cracked ribs, fractured …."


The voice carried on, but I tuned it out. What building? My home (where's that?), My work place? (What's my job?), a café, garage, shop or somewhere else that I visit? Still dopy, I cleared my throat, and muttered "Whycantisee?" The other voice tailed off, silenced, and a new voice spoke. "Hmm-mmmh. Can't see, you say. I'd best take a look at your eyes then." A finger and thumb hold first my right eye open, then my left, and muttering emanates from the person before me. I don't know what they're doing, it hurts, my eyes are stinging badly, as if there's something in there, but  I still can't see anything, the entire world is completely black to me at the moment, and it's scary as hell.


My hand is retaken in a gentle grip, as the first voice asks the second what's wrong. There's a pregnant silence, before the second person speaks. "There seems to have been some bleeding into both retina's. Surgery might be possible, but we need to consult the opthalmologists first, to see what they recommend. I hear footsteps receding, and I'm alone with the first person again. "Now, don't fret, even if the worst comes to the worst, and you have lost your sight, don't be scared. You can learn braille, we can get you braille books and computer, you still have all your skills. You're still you, and I'll still love you."  Easy to say when it's not YOUR way of life on the line. Giving up on the day, I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.



All of a sudden, I was in a large, cool, shadowy room, with lots of people's silhouettes, and whispers, all around me, the voices just too quiet for me hear. Suddenly, there's sharp pains running up the backs of my shoulder blades, and I'm shirtless, then there's a feeling of weights hanging from my shoulders backs. The whispers stop, to be replaced with one very loud, very succinct "FUCK" . I don't know what just happened to me, but it can't be good to have gotten that reaction. I hear footsteps coming closer, then a quiet voice I don't know murmurs platitudes, and I hear them moving round behind me, before I feel a soft touch on my back.


Except it's NOT on my back, it's too far from my spine for that, so that means …. Woah, Hold on, just a minute WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE WEIGHTS ON MY BACK ANYWAY?
So, I don't know if I like this, or whether to finish it.

Anyone got any ideas?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconred-wolf-26:
Okay, to start off- this is my first critique so I apologise in advance.
This is a very interesting, thought provoking piece that grabs the reader from the first sentence. Your use of narrative is really effective, as it pulls you straight into the story. By not giving away any details, you create a sense of mystery and suspense, which is always a great thing to have! (In my opinion anyway.) The effort you've put in this can very easily be seen, despite not being incredibly long.

However, I feel that more description could have been used, just as a way to make the piece flow better, as it seems a little static currently. I know the main character has lost his or her sight and I know you're trying to create a sense of mystery, but this can still be achieved by using description such as sounds etc. Also, description could be elaborated on in places such as 'a soft touch on my back'. Some of it also seems just a tiny bit rushed, but again a bit of description- even just a mini monologue of the character's thoughts- will help with that.

I do love it though, so please continue it. It's definitely worth it! And don't feel disheartened- I'm a harsh critic and pick at the smallest things.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconjetsetg0:
First of all, I like how mysterious everything was. That kept me reading and wanting for more. I also like gore and stuff.. the story has some hints of it for me and I love that. The description is great but I think you could do better.

The flow could be better with the right spacing and such.. the paragraphs to be exact. I would like some paragraphs to be broken down to parts so it would be easier to read and add up to the vision/effect.

Other than that, great job! I love it. The suspense is settling in my mind. I would definitely want the continuation.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:icontwirllwind:
TwirllWind Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2014  Student Artist
MORE!!!!!!!!!!
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Just as soon as I clear some of the other stuff I've part written.
Reply
:icontwirllwind:
TwirllWind Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2014  Student Artist
Fine...
Reply
:iconrobinharrison:
RobinHarrison Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013
This certainly has my attention.
I'm as confused as the injured person and I want to know more
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you.
Reply
:iconkobrakid12:
KobraKid12 Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
A pregnant silence?
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
A pause that has a lot of weight in it - sort of like when a big question is asked, and no-one wants to answer it.
Reply
:iconkobrakid12:
KobraKid12 Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
oh
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:)
Reply
:iconlittleblackmariah:
littleblackmariah Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Guess I'd better read this now, yes?
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
If you want to.
Reply
:iconlittleblackmariah:
littleblackmariah Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
have already.
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yay!
Reply
:iconwheresyour-heart:
WheresYour-HeART Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh this sounds interesting.
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks.
Reply
:iconwheresyour-heart:
WheresYour-HeART Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
truth
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconcblushplz:
Reply
:iconmcrmy-helena:
MCRmy-Helena Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Woah, I love this! I love the mystery and the amount of detail... I need to read on!
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks.
Reply
:iconmcrmy-helena:
MCRmy-Helena Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome! :)
Reply
:icondeadskarlett:
DeadSkarlett Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
really good work ma' :)
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks love, I'm just going to start part two.
Reply
:icondeadskarlett:
DeadSkarlett Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
ooh ^_^`
Reply
:iconkobrakid12:
KobraKid12 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
wings? have me enter in
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Enter in what?
Reply
:iconkobrakid12:
KobraKid12 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
the next story part
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Okay, this story I'm writing alone. *WordsCannotHarmMe is starting the second communal story.
Reply
:iconkobrakid12:
KobraKid12 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
ok
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Marti say's she'll be putting it up in around an hour.
Reply
:iconkobrakid12:
KobraKid12 Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
=3
Reply
:iconusing0nlycaps:
Using0nlycaps Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I think it'd be good if you continued. You put some research in this, for the bit about the retina's? cause it's 'braw' as us scots say. It's good writing. like always, and you end it on that? we need to know more!
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks love, and no, no research so far, I know a fair bit about eyes as I'm the only one of my family (save Tam and El) that DOESN'T wear glasses or contacts.

I've just picked up some info over the years.
Reply
:iconusing0nlycaps:
Using0nlycaps Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow. everyone in my family wear glasses, only my older sister doesnt need hers on every day, just for school and studying.
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah. Mom and Dad needed theirs from early childhood.

Mom got jellyfish venom in her eye age 7.

Dad was hit in the eye (accidentally) with a cricket ball age 5.
Reply
:iconusing0nlycaps:
Using0nlycaps Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
My mum's 'blind as a bat' Dad's got a dominant eye, Isla takes after dad on a (slightly) lazy eye, and shes long sighted, i think. I'm short sighted, and Skye.... SHe's just Skye.
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Sounds like our lot.
Reply
:iconusing0nlycaps:
Using0nlycaps Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
yeah... all my grandparent have/had them too. My three grandmothers all have them, and both my granddad's had them. sadly, most glasses I like are too dark for me.
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That's a shame.

Still, it could be worse.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconlyricdiangelo:
LyricDiAngelo Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Please do continue! I really am curious about what happens next :)
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you, all positive responses so far, so I may well.
Reply
:iconlyricdiangelo:
LyricDiAngelo Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
yay! i really hope you do!
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I keep you in mind.
Reply
:iconlyricdiangelo:
LyricDiAngelo Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I've just re-written that part, and updated it, now I've part 4 of 'Who Am I?', before part 2 of 'Blind Panic'.

As well as a shit load of sewing.
Reply
:iconlyricdiangelo:
LyricDiAngelo Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
don't worry, i'll be patient :)
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm working on part 2 as we speak.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconcrystallinecarnage:
CrystallineCarnage Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013
This is good. I think you should continue this. <3
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks - I don't know, I'm not even sure I like it much myself.
Reply
:iconcrystallinecarnage:
CrystallineCarnage Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013
It's different, which I like. I want to know what happens, too.
Reply
:iconcuddlepuss:
Cuddlepuss Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Between you and me, even I don't know yet.
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconcuddlepuss: More from Cuddlepuss


Featured in Collections

cuddlepuss by RobinHarrison

the Black Marias by KobraKid12




Details

Submitted on
January 14, 2013
File Size
3.7 KB
Mature Content
Yes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
131
Favourites
9 (who?)
Comments
62
×