I sat watching that video for the ten thousandth time, I still can't believe it happened, it's not fair, you were mine. The bitter sweet memories of our time together gnaw at my mind until I want to tear my head asunder. The flickering images show how good we were together. The love that burns within my heart will be with me until the day I die. The awesome beauty of your nature, warmly all embraced. I blink my eyes to clear them of sudden moisture, too easily these days I cry, with love and pain torn.
I ease my feet onto the couch, it's important, I suppose, that I rest. I have responsibilities, that can't be dispossessed. I slump onto my old sofa, laying back my feet up high, I know that you'd be unimpressed, you never liked it anyhow. I hear the patter of small feet, in my imagination, and see you there picking up the small child into your arms, screaming with laughter.She babbles away as she pats your cheek. I shed another crystal drop as I reminisce, you shattered my heart, my trust, my faith in all humanity. You broke my spirit when you took our child away from me.
I know you thought it for the best, but little did you understand, the problems growing between us were not another man. I knew, but could not tell you, you'd have been petrified. I know you'd have stayed with me, but not that way, I couldn't do it to you. And so I let you take our angel with you, and let my heart grieve , I lost you both, but I am proud, TWAS FOR THE GREATER GOOD.
I guess you'll find out today, after what happened at the hospital. I met up with your brother, while I was in the waiting room. I'd have pretended to be waiting for someone, but my name was called as I spoke to him, and he found out I'M the patient. I wonder what you'll do now that you know that you were wrong. I wasn't cheating on you, I was being diagnosed. I went to school with the Doctor, so I call him by name not title. It hurts so much to know you'd think that I'd do that to you. I gave you no reason to think me false, yet you did anyway. I'm drowning in my misery, don't care about my treatment. You don't even let me see my daughter, so why should I fight on?
I'm weaker now, and I must rest, lest I speed my demise, but truth to tell I little care, I could welcome deaths sweet release. At least then this torture they call life would relent it's vicelike grip. I'm slipping ever further, I just can't bring myself to care. Just like you couldn't either, don't think that I don't know. It's been a week since I met your brother at the hospital, and not by visit or by phone call have you let on you know. Your brother, yes he called in, the very next day, and all his probing questions, I answered right away. Now I think I'm dying, I've not much time left on this world. I've left the door on the latch so my brother can get in. He know's everything of course, he my next of kin now. He's promised to get word to our daughter, when it comes to pass. It's my dying wish that She has Sweetpea, my little dog. I've grave doubts though, myself, you don't like dogs, you don't like me, she only has your love.
I'm ever weaker now, I'm barely conscious, my last thoughts flitter about in my mind like butterflies escaping the net. I'm slipping ever deeper into the yawning abyss of self, and it's sublime. Yet something's pulling me back. With great concentration, I crack open half an eye. With staggering disinterest, I view your pasty face, you've finally come to see me, but left it far too late. You're crying, no, you're sobbing, breaking down on the inside, cracking on the outside, I've never seen you like this before. You're talking desperately, I know nor care who too, it soon becomes apparent, when paramedics come in though. I'm rushed into an ambulance, and into surgery, by the time the night is over, they've removed the malignancy.
Did you get to me too soon, or do I get my end? I'm dozy and dopy, I can't make much sense of anything. I really don't understand why you tried to save me. You hate me, I know you, told me, told the whole block of flats too. Our daughter sat their crying, you wouldn't let me comfort her though, would you? That's another mark against you, and you've so many more, I can't remember the number of times you've failed to come through.
As I surface more fully, and glance around the room, I notice little details, touches that don't make sense. A huge arrangement of my favourite flowers, a pile of books by authors that I love, but mainly not making sense there is you, and our daughter, eyes closed in repose. I stir a little in my bed, your eyes shoot open wide, you look at me as you used to, with your heart in your eyes. I cannot help but turn away, I hurt too much inside. You gutted me, emotionally, and now you're here again. The cancer not enough, maybe, you want to torture me more? But then I disbelieve my senses, for you take my hand and, murmuring my name, put our little angel up on the bed with me.
You smile tearfully at me, mutter words that I don't hear, before your brother comes in, and greets me with a grin. You took so long to come to me, eight days from when I met him, because you were trying to find what was the matter with me. You nearly left it too late though, I almost died that day. Cancer of the perineum, at an advanced state too, you freaked out when you saw me, laid out more dead than alive. They say another single hour and it would have been to late. Your brother takes our little girl to the hospital café, so that we can talk of what we'll do, if I survive this after all, about the mess our lives are in. I have to say, you seem desperate, practically pleading with me to take you back. I'm wary though, you hurt me badly, I just don't know if I can trust you. When your brother brings our daughter back, I know what to do. Getting a lawyer involved seems harsh, but I really feel I must. This document, like a prenuptial agreement, will state, legally, that if my health is good enough, and we split up again, YOU will lose all rights to our daughter. Swallowing hard, you agree.
Six months on, I'm getting stronger by the day, and our daughter is getting used to having me back in her life. You're still doing all you can to rebuild the trust your lack of faith in me shattered. I think, I hope, we'll be alright.